Another thing for people to please stop sending to me: a recent and fairly random blog post in a purported online magazine, the premise of which essentially boils down to: “Science Fiction is by boys and for boys and now girls are ruining it for anyone with testicles, except the gays, who are just like girls anyway (and whose testicles frighten me).” I’m not going to link to it, as abject misogynist stupidity should not be rewarded with links. You can track it down on your own if you like. Nevertheless, two general points to make here. 1. Verily I say unto thee that science fiction is founded on girl cooties, so anyone dumb enough to whine about those awful women ruining SF for boys really does need to STFU and take his ignorant ass back to his snug little wank hole;An insecure male nerd threatened by the idea that women exist for reasons other than the dispensing of sandwiches and topical applications of boobilies, mewling on the Internet about how girls are icky? At this late date, when one of these quailing wonders appears, stuttering petulantly that women are unfit to touch the genre he’s already claimed with his smudgy, sticky fingerprints, the thing to do is not to solemnly intone about how far science fiction has yet to go.

Science fiction does have a distance to go, but these fellows aren’t interested in taking the journey, and I don’t want to have to rideshare with them anyway. So the thing to do is to point and laugh. Well, actually, the thing to do is trap such creatures in a dork snare (cunningly baited with Cool Ranch Doritos, Diet Ultra Violet Mountain Dew and a dual monitor rig open to Drunken Stepfather on one screen and Duke Nukem 3D on the other), and then cart them to a special preserve somewhere in Idaho for such as their kind. We’ll tell them it’s a “freehold” — they’ll like that — and that they will be with others of a like mind, and there they will live as men, free from the horrible feminizing effects of women and their gonad shriveling girl rays. And then we’ll tag them with GPS and if they ever try to leave the freehold, we’ll have them hunted down by roller derby teams with spears. That’s really the optimal solution. But since we can’t do that, then pointing and laughing will suffice.

So, yes: let’s all point and laugh at these funny little terrified stupid men, and then ignore them. Because that’s what they rate. That’s right, we’re talking testicles. Here’s 12 fascinating facts you never knew about balls. 1. Meat and two veg The word avocado derives from the Aztec word for testicle. In the Middle Ages, men who wanted sons would sometimes have their left testicle chopped off because they thought the right testicle made male sperm, and the left made female. Testicle derives from the Latin word testis, meaning ‘witness’. In pre-biblical times men sometimes placed their hand on another man’s testicles when swearing an oath, because the testicles gave witness to a man’s virility. And, in Roman times, men placed their right hand on their balls before giving testimony in court, the reason being having testicles supposedly made them whole (as opposed to women and eunuchs who were not allowed to testify). 4. Balls to the wall

The testicles make 200million sperm every day.Change Light Bulb In Jenn Air Oven In 16th century Europe, women weren’t allowed to sing in Roman Catholic church choirs so of course the logical thing to do instead was cut off boys’ balls before their voices broke.Homes For Sale In Sao Miguel Azores These boys, called castrati, were appreciated by classical composers such as Mozart and some became major celebrities.Blueair Air Purifier Reviews The word orchid comes from the Greek ‘orkhis’, meaning testicle, because the plant’s main roots look quite a lot like wedding tackle. MORE: 21 things you never knew about orgasms Balls can grow up to twice the size during sex. 8. Insert beaver joke here

Beaver testicle moonshine or tea was used as a contraceptive by some Canadian women from the 16th to the 18th century. There are various theories on why men have external testicles – the most widely-believed being to do with the fact a cooler temperature improves sperm production. But for many other mammals, including elephants, aardvarks and anteaters, their balls are up inside their bodies, by their kidneys. For most men, their left testicle hangs lower than the right. Being unsymmetrical means they take up less space. The Vatican museum contains a ‘sedia stercoraria’ or ‘dung chair’ – a chair with a hole in it. It is thought to have been used so officials could check the sex of the new Pope and make sure he had both balls. The largest scrotum on record belonged to 49-year-old Wesley Warren, who died from a heart attack last year. Before he had corrective surgery they were 10 stone. MORE: 10 amazing things you never knew about your penis

MORE: Sex quiz: How good are you in bed? MORE: 21 things men should never do on a first dateWant to hear a secret? It’s a good one. Some might call it epic.You know how, as women, we are constantly being reminded to enhance our appearance and increase our sex appeal so men will be attracted to us? How millions of straight women spend billions of dollars on clothes and beauty products to peacock around for some guy burping at the bar? How long has it been since you’ve really thought about how much time we spend waxing, manicuring, preening, primping, sometimes resorting to surgery, and wearing undergarments that treat our buttcheeks like teeth with corn stuck in them?If you’re doing this to entrance the menfolk, will you believe me when I say you’re completely wasting your time? We already possess the key to attraction, and the door is located in the hoo-ha.The vagina is a sorceress concocting magical potions; the hormones our pleasure box produces have a power that is being tragically overlooked.

I recently watched “The Science of Sex Appeal,” a documentary explaining the influence that copulins — vaginally secreted hormones — have on men. Here I learned about one fascinating experiment, in which scientists created synthetic copulins for men to inhale.Isn’t it nice to think that science took the time to both fabricate and administer cooch scent through a gas mask into the faces of male guinea pigs? I think it’s pretty nice. For one brief moment, balance was achieved in this universe.So: while inhaling the fragrance of a woman’s front bottom, the male subjects were shown photographs of women with varying degrees of conventional beauty and asked to rate their attractiveness. The findings were remarkable. While huffing even the synthetic scent of clam dish, men were unable to discern or rank women’s beauty.In other words, everyone’s sexy when a man’s wafting on twat.How is it possible that this study wasn’t widely released, its results instantly becoming common knowledge among women?

If ball sweat had these powers, men would not only be harnessing it and using it regularly, but also mass-producing it to yield high profit margins. It’s obviously high time I manufacture a fragrance called “L’eau de Snatch.” Smell like muff and you’ll be sure to attract men, should that be your goal.And, it gets better. Not only does this particular scent enhance the perception of our beauty, copulins have actual mind control effects on the male brain. When a man is exposed to a woman’s copulins over time, she is eventually able to:1) Change, remove, or insert memories 2) Tell the male what he sees, hears, feels, smells, tastes 3) Insert subconscious thoughts that will surface as male “ideas” or behavior later 4) Plant trigger words or actions that can cause thoughts, actions, or sensations in the male at later dates (days, weeks, even months)Any man still reading this may be saying to himself, “What the F? Nothing is capable of turning me into that much of a zombie.”

Women, you may be saying to yourself, “How might I go about doing this?”The process is called “coupling.” A man has to be inside you, but not thrusting. You lie together like puzzle pieces, and:Feel free to visualize this process. You’re welcome for the lovely picture of half a cup of fluid flowing down a guy’s pee-hole and nesting in his balls.Perhaps you are thinking, “How do I get a guy to hang out inside me while also resisting the instinct to thrust back and forth?” You have two options.The first is to be honest. Tell him what you are doing, make him a willing participant, and then go feed that unicorn.The second is to be discreet and distracting. It takes time for your nectar to stream into him, so the fastest and most effective position is lady on top. My advice is to have sex but then don’t get off of him. Talk about upcoming global warfare, ask him to explain the rules of a sport you hate, or simply pretend to fall asleep because he was “that good.” [Ed. note: The Hairpin does not necessarily endorse the act of pouring vaginal secretion down someone’s urethra to control their mind without their prior knowledge.]

After 15 minutes, the copulins have been released like a pack of wild dogs. They travel from his balls up to his hypothalamus. He is now fully susceptible.Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.The implications are pretty wild. Under the influence, you can suggest acts for him to perform. I recommend staying within reach of his moral compass, but from there, the sky’s the limit. Copulin-infused men not only comply with the requests of their women, but also do so happily. Men and women alike attest that “coupling” has genuinely improved their relationships.While it’s fantastic on a micro level that men can became better partners, I can’t help but think of the bigger picture. Imagine if we get the wives, girlfriends and mistresses of male members of Congress to couple their way into some much-needed legislation getting passed in this country?