DERIVATIVE INVESTMENTS RULE ERRTHING AROUND ME #DiversifyYoBonds Dreams of Living Life Like Central Bankers Do (Parody tho) DM for email, yo Wu-Tang Financial T-shirt:  Inspired by the infamous Dave Chappelle Show skit, our design features a take off on the Wu-Tang logo and stands as a reminder to diversify your bonds, because “you and your fam can't be relying on punks like Smith Barney". Hand Silk Screened on 100% Cotton Unisex Canvas Brand T-shirt – BLACKYesterday, the Internet collectively shuddered as we learned that Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO/'80s-movie bully Martin Shkreli had purchased the single copy of Wu-Tang Clan's long-awaited album, Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, for a reported $2 million. But some good news has come out of this reality-collapsing situation. Twitter user Rob Wesley posted part of the "contract" for the album yesterday, and it was also picked up on Reddit. Forget the $2M, this is easily the most interesting part of the whole deal between Wu-Tang and Martin Shkreli.

/5nSshXhjnJ— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) December 9, 2015 According to this definitely fake but amazing contract, during a period of 88 years, the seller can, at any time, attempt to steal back the album in a "caper" or "heist," which would return rights back to the seller. Seat Covers For 2001 Volvo C70This heist can only be carried out by active Wu-Tang members or Bill Murray, naturally.Used Wheels And Tires Lynnwood As many people on Twitter have already stated, a heist film starring Bill Murray and Wu-Tang Clan is the best movie that's not being made right now. Aca Joe T Shirtfilm pitch to steven soderbergh: from @WuTangClan's ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHAOLIN purchase agreement. https://t.co/N7DYvzTGrm h/t @eastwes #fb— bobb x ha (@b6421) December 10, 2015

@moryan @eastwes @DangerGuerrero They should use filming a film about the heist as a cover to perform the actual heist.— Shane M-R ⭐️ (@pdx_shane) December 9, 2015 @moryan @pdx_shane @eastwes Argo meets Ocean's 11 starring the Wu-Tang Clan. WHO DOESN'T GREENLIGHT THIS?— Danger Guerrero (@DangerGuerrero) December 9, 2015 They already started filming in 2002.  Shkreli had no comment as to the caper clause. But sometimes, when the Internet wishes hard enough, things like this come true. Anyone have the source on the "heist/caper" provision in the @WuTangClan / @MartinShkreli deal? Yo this real Martin? /xCburz8m4b— Wu-Tang Financial (@Wu_Tang_Finance) December 10, 2015 @Wu_Tang_Finance @WuTangClan no comment doe— Martin Shkreli (@MartinShkreli) December 10, 2015 Hopefully Section 36 leaks next. Update 3:07pm CT, Dec. 11: Wu-Tang producer and rapper RZA has addressed the viral, fake post. And while it doesn't change the contract, he certainly appears to have second thoughts about who his project was sold to.

We're really getting the urge to call Bill Murray.— RZA! Photo via /Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | /Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Remix by Jason ReedReal Movies & Wu-Tang Financial Dave takes a realistic look at "Pretty Woman" and "The Matrix" and introduces the Wu-Tang Clan's new financial consulting firm. WHY IN THE MOVIES IS THE BLACKGUY THE FIRST GUY KILLED ? THAT HAPPY NIGGATHAT'S IN THAT MOVIE WHERE HE HEALS ALL WHITE PEOPLE,THE BIG BLACK RUNAWAY. HE WAS THROUGHOUTTHE WHOLE MOVIE. HE ONLY GOT KILLEDAT THE END... WHICH I HATED,I HATED THAT MOVIE 'CAUSE I HATED HIM,AND I HATED EVERYBODY THAT WROTE THAT MOVIE. BLACK PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WORRIEDABOUT, LIKE IN BARBERSHOP. THEY BETTER BE WORRIED ABOUTWHAT THEY SAY IN WHITE FILMS. WHITE FILMS GOALL OVER THE WORLD. 'CAUSE I REMEMBER THE GODFATHER, AND I WON'T FORGET THE-- WHEN THEY HAD THE DRUGSCENE AND THEY SAID, "WELL, WE DON'T DO THAT,SELL IT TO THE NIGGERS." THEY SHOULDA HAD SOMETHIN'TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

ARE YOURCAMERAS STILL ON ? BLACK PEOPLE WANNAGO TO BLACK DENTISTS, AND DO BLACK PEOPLE WANNAGET BURIED BY BLACK... HE ALMOST SAID, "NIGGER,"I READ BETWEEN 'EM. I ALWAYS THOUGHTDENTISTS WERE DENTISTS. I WASN'T INTO BLACK ANDWHITE DENTISTS, PLEASE. IF THEY CAN FIX THE TEETH, COOL.IF THEY CAN'T, THAT'S COOL, TOO. THAT'S KIND OFA WEIRD QUESTION, AND COMING FROM STEPHEN KING,THAT WAS VERY STRANGE. HAVING A HORROR MAN COME ON ANDASK A QUESTION ABOUT A NIGGER. THAT WAS ALREADY SCARY. I WROTE A SCRIPTFOR STEPHEN KING. I HAVE A STEPHEN KINGHORROR MOVIE... NIGGER WITH A BRAIN. WE'LL SEE HOW THATSCARE PEOPLE. NIGGERS IN SCHOOL,HOW 'BOUT THAT, STEPHEN ? ( narrator )1983, HISTORIC APPLECRUMBY'S, THE SETTING FOR YET ANOTHERCLASSIC STAND-OFF BETWEEN JUST THE SORT OF STAND-OFFTHAT CREATES CLASSIC BOBBY HUTCHINSONHAD SPENT THE NIGHT TRYING TO RUSH HIS WAYTO PAY DIRT, GINA MORRIS. BOTH PRIOR ATTEMPTSBY BOBBY WERE STUFFED

BY THE TOUGH DEFENSIVE LINETHAT MORRIS TRAVELED WITH, LEFT GUARD, CAROL DEITRICH, AND RIGHT GUARD,DENISHA "BEAR" BRYANT, A TANDEM THAT HAD RACKED UP 14COCK BLOCKS JUST A YEAR EARLIER. WITH THE DEFENSEMOMENTARILY SIDELINED, BOBBY STRUCK QUICKLY,APPROACHING THE COVETED MORRIS AND WINNING HER OVER WITHONE OF HIS HYSTERICAL YOU GIVE MEPAC-MAN FEVER. WITH THE DEFENSE RETURNINGAND TIME RUNNING OUT, BOBBY WENT INTOHIS HURRY-UP OFFENSE. SLOWLY BUT SURELY, HUTCHINSONWORE DOWN THE DEFENSIVE LINE WITH SHOTS UP THE GUT. WITH TIME RUNNING OUT, HUTCHINSON WENT FORTHE GAME-WINNING SCORE. GINA, WHY DON'T YOUJUST COME HOME WITH ME ? NO, WE PROMISED EACH OTHERWE'D ALL LEAVE HERE TOGETHER. HIS ATTEMPT WAS BLOCKED. BUT HUTCHINSON RECOVEREDTHE BLOCK AND EXPLOITED YOU KNOW, I GOT SOMEPIZZAS AT THE CRIB. I DON'T WANT NO PIZZA. AND SOME WEED, TOO. HUTCHINSON KNEWHE WAS HOME FREE. THAT NIGHT, BOBBY AND GINAHAD DRUNKEN SEX

ON TOP OF HER TWOPASSED-OUT FRIENDS, TECHNICALLY MAKINGIT A FOUR-WAY. BOBBY HUTCHINSON, YET ANOTHERGREAT PLAYER RESPONSIBLE FOR A GREAT MOMENTIN HOOK-UP HISTORY. GOOD EVENING,I'M CHUCK TAYLOR. OUTRAGE THROUGHOUT THE COMMUNITYAS YET ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL INVOLVING BOYSAND MEN OF AUTHORITY. WHO IS IT THIS TIME,YOU ASK ? JEDI KNIGHTS INA GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. MANY OF THEM ARE COMINGFORWARD WITH ALLEGATIONS THAT THE JEDI MASTERSTHEY STUDIED UNDER REPEATEDLY SEXUALLY MOLESTEDTHEM OVER A NUMBER OF YEARS AND THAT THE JEDI COUNCILKNEW ABOUT IT ALL ALONG, IN SOME CASES,ENCOURAGING THE ABUSE. TO CLARIFY, JEDI KNIGHTSLIKE YOUNG LUKE SKYWALKER BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED BY JEDISLIKE OBI-WAN KENOBI. OKAY, WE'RE GETTING WORDTHAT COUNCIL LEADER YODA IS HAVING A PRESS CONFERENCERIGHT NOW AT SKYWALKER RANCH. WE GO THERE NOW. ( reporters shouting ) YODA, ISN'T IT TRUE YOU KNEWOF THESE ABUSES IN 1977 ? KNOW ABOUT SEX WITH BOYS,YODA DID NOT.

YODA, THEN HOW DO EXPLAINTHE RECENTLY UNCOVERED TAPE THAT SEEMS TO IMPLICATEYOU IN THE COVER-UP OF JEDI BOY TOUCHING ? YODA THAT WAS NOT. THEN WHO WAS IT ? MICKEY ROONEY, MAYBE ? CAN WE ROLL THE FOOTAGEOF THAT TAPE IN QUESTION ? NOW THAT FREAK HAS METALKING LIKE HIM. OKAY, I'M BEING TOLD NOW THATMACE WINDAU, YODA'S REPLACEMENT, IS NOW AT THE PODIUM. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THATTHIS COUNCIL HAS ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ANY SEXUAL DEVIANCYREGARDING OUR JEDI KNIGHTS. MACE, DO YOU FEELTHAT THE JEDIS WHO COMMITTED THESE KINDOF CRIMES DESERVE TO DIE ? YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE,AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL ! STRONG WORDSFROM MR. WINDAU. NEWS CENTER 3 HAS BEEN COVERINGTHIS STORY FOR SOME TIME, AND EARLIER TODAY, I CAUGHTUP WITH THE FORMER JEDI KNIGHT WHO FIRST MADETHESE ALLEGATIONS. MY MASTER SAID THE FORCEWAS STRONG IN ME... AND GAVE MEA WINE COOLER. THEN HE MADE ME WEARA BLINDFOLD AND REACHINTO HIS PANTS TO...

"LOOK FOR THE FORCE." ARE YOU SIGHING, OR ARE YOUJUST... I DON'T EVENKNOW ANYMORE ! SON, I KNOW THIS ISDIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT... COULD YOU SHOW ME ON THE DOLLWHERE HE TOUCHED YOU ? ( breathing heavily ) CAN WE CUT TAPE ? MIGUEL, YOU HEARD THE MAN. CUT THE GODDAMN TAPE !JUST CUT IT ! I WAS JUST YOUNGAND CURIOUS. WE MAY NEVER KNOWWHAT REALLY HAPPENED, BUT... PEOPLE ON THE STREETHAVE BEEN REACTING TO THIS NEWS ALL DAY. THIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENEDIN THE WORLD OF STAR TREK 'CAUSE THE FLEET COMMANDERSWOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED... YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT ! A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF PROTESTFROM AN ANGRY YOUNG GEEK. WHEN WE COME BACK... GAY DROID MARRIAGE,SHOULD IT BE LEGALIZED ? THIS QUEER COUPLESAYS YES. WHERE JULIA ROBERTSPLAYS A PROSTITUTE THAT LUCKS UP ANDMEETS A MILLIONAIRE, AND THEY FALL IN LOVE ? WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IN THE REAL VERSION I WORKED AT A COUPLEOF FAST-FOOD PLACES.

I COULDN'T PAY THE RENT. AND I WAS TOOASHAMED TO GO HOME. THAT'S WHEN I MET KIT. SHE WAS A HOOKER ANDMADE IT SOUND SO GREAT. YOU'VE GOTTA GETTHE FUCK OUTTA HERE. ( phone ringing )Hello, Neo, do youknow who this is ? Yes, I've beenlooking for you, Neo. I don't know if you're readyto see what I want to show you, but, unfortunately, youand I have run out of time. They're comingfor you, Neo, and I don't know whatthey're going to do. WHO'S COMING FOR ME ? Stand up andsee for yourself. I can guide youout of there, but you must doexactly as I say. The cubicle acrossfrom you is empty. When I tell you,go to the end of the hall. Stay as lowas you can. There is a black man sitting ata desk directly to your right. IT'S EARL, NIGGA,I NEED YOUR STAPLER. I CAN'T FIND MINE. HELLO, DUMB-DUMB,DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS ? DUDE, YOU TOTALLY GOT ME. IS THE FINANCIAL SECURITYAND WELL-BEING OF YOUR FAMILY.

YOU WANNA SEND YOUR LITTLEONES TO THE BEST SCHOOLS, AND IN THE END, KNOW THAT YOU'VE LEFTTHEM WITH PEACE OF MIND. NOWADAYS WE ALL KNOW THAT CASHRULES EVERYTHING AROUND US: CREAM, GET THE MONEY,DOLLAR-DOLLAR BILL, Y'ALL. THAT'S WHY IT'S TIME TO ENTERTHE 36 CHAMBERS. COME STEP TO THE "WU", WU-TANG FINANCIAL. AT WU-TANG FINANCIAL,WE'LL WORK WITH YOU TO DEVISE THE BEST PLANFOR YOU AND YOUR FAM. I MEAN, SMITH BARNEY-- YOU GOTTA KNOW HOWTO JACK THIS SHIT. YOU GOTTA PLAYTHIS GAME ROUGH. IN, OUT, GET,GRAB, BONK. YOU NEED TO DIVERSIFYYOUR BONDS, NIGGA. MILITARY SHITIS BLOWIN' UP. WE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR,INVEST IN SOME NUCLEAR BOMBS. THIS AIN'T TRADING PLACES, NIGGA. THIS IS REALFUCKING LIFE ! PROTECT YOUR GODDAMNNECK, A'IGHT ? WU-TANG FINANCIAL, A PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS. ALL OF OUR TRUSTED CONSULTANTSARE HERE TO MEET YOUR NEEDS. UNFORTUNATELY, THE OL' DIRTYBASTARD COULDN'T MAKE IT TODAY,